(Interview date: June 13, 2013)
Interviewer: So today, unfortunately, and with great regret on my part…we’re here with Avery Bartholomew Pendleton, the star of both The Chupacabra and the recently released sequel, Trail of the Chupacabra, by Stephen Randel.
Avery: It’s Sir Pendleton to you, little man.
Interviewer: Pardon me?
Avery: None taken.
Interviewer: Okay, I’ve been told it would be like this. Anyway, it’s been said you’re both obnoxious and rude…
Avery: It’s a lie.
Interviewer: I agree.
Avery: You do?
Interviewer: Yes, after observing you for the last few seconds, I can say you’re the complete opposite of obnoxious and rude…you’re rude and obnoxious. Moving on, what’s the point of this new story?
Avery: It’s about me, obviously. The book is centered on my daring adventures and heroic deeds. Crazy Mexican drug cartels and chupacabras aside…
Interviewer: Mr. Pendleton, please. There is no such thing as a chupacabra.
Avery: You should be very careful with absolute statements. Global warming is driving them north. It’s a fact…
Interviewer: Then why haven’t you found one? It’s been two books?
Avery: Bad luck. Poor support. Those militia guys really suck.
Interviewer: Militia guys?
Avery: Yes, the author refuses to hire ninjas and relies on civilian militia instead. I think he’s just trying to save money. He’s an idiot. It kills the story.
Interviewer: What would ninjas do against the Mexican drug cartels?
Avery: Sling throwing stars and stuff.
Interviewer: Throwing stars? You’re not making any sense.
Avery: Look…the book could possibly be about the horrific struggles of the Mexican people with the violence in their country. The unique part is it’s a laugh-out-loud dark comedy full of eccentric characters as well.
Interviewer: Why didn’t you say so before? I’ve been told the Trail of the Chupacabra has so much more character development, so much more history about the country, and, of course, more of your insane letters.
Avery: Time’s up. I want my money.
Avery: Remuneration for this interview. Paid in full, or I’ll kill the iguana.
Interviewer: What iguana?
Avery: Nancy. Pay me, or I’ll off Nancy!
Interviewer: Nancy? I don’t know who Nancy is.
Avery: Read the book, jackass. Hell, read the first one, too. Then, if you figure it out, tell me what you think the book means. I like a good laugh…
(Interview date: September 19, 2012)
Interviewer: Today we’re sitting down with Avery Bartholomew Pendleton of Austin, Texas. He’s the star of The Chupacabra: A Borderline Crazy Tale of Coyotes, Cash & Cartels by Stephen Randel. It’s a laugh-out-loud dark/comedy thriller about a Texas family that unwittingly becomes caught up with a Mexican drug cartel. Thanks for taking the time to visit with us today, Avery.
Avery: How long is this going to take? I’m expecting a call from the President.
Interviewer: Not long. Anyway, many people consider you to be a lazy slob. How would you respond? And by the way, what’s up with the tracksuit?
Avery: I’m not lazy. I’m hyper-efficient. There’s a difference. As for my wardrobe, Americans, in general, have a pathetic sense of fashion. And just for the record, my yellow tracksuit is the quite popular in the Ukraine these days. Am I getting paid for this interview?
Interviewer: No. Why do you still live at home with your stepfather? You seem like a bit of a loner.
Avery: Because the mortgage and utilities are in his name. It makes it more difficult for the ninjas and foreign operatives to track me down. Can I borrow twenty dollars?
Interviewer: Ninjas? There weren’t any ninjas in the book.
Avery: There should have been. Ninjas always make a story better. Randel doesn’t know what he’s doing. How about ten?
Interviewer: No. Why the infatuation with chupacabras?
Avery: Because global warming is pushing their feeding grounds north toward Texas and no one is doing anything about it. They could be here any day. Did you even read the book?
Interviewer: You do realize that scientists don’t believe chupacabras exist?
Avery: That’s because most scientists aren’t fully accredited cryptozoologists.I refer to them as spherical bastards. No matter what angle you view them from, they’re still bastards. It doesn’t really bother me, though. True genius is never fully appreciated in its own time. Someday they’ll name elementary schools after me. Maybe even bridges.
Interviewer: Speaking of bothersome things, you have a bit of a thing about writing absurd and abusive letters. Why so angry?
Avery: Who called them absurd? I want names!
Interviewer: At the very least, your letters are a bit abrasive. Would you agree?
Avery: I agree to nothing, particularly in writing. My tone is proportionate to the level of stupidity of the recipient. The bigger the idiot, the more punitive my correspondence is. If individuals or corporations are offended, they need to put their “big boy” pants on and grow up. Most of the time the truth hurts. Deal with it, losers.
Interviewer: You were involved in a very sticky situation with a member of a Mexican drug cartel. What really happened?
Avery: I have a confession to make. I have to come clean and admit that it was completely his fault. I’m sure he’s quite embarrassed by the whole situation. I expect a “thank you” fruit and chocolate basket in the mail anytime now.
Interviewer: But weren’t you worried about your family and friends?
Avery: Not really.
Interviewer: Not really?
Avery: Is that a trick question?
Interviewer: You were involved with a large cast of eccentric characters. Who did you enjoy working with the most?
Avery: I’m the headliner. That’s all you should write about.
Interviewer: Okay, then. Will we see a return of Avery in the next book by Stephen Randel?
Avery: There better be, or I’ll unleash my unholy legion of permanently retained attorneys against him. Without me, there’s no story. Randel knows that. The moron.
Interviewer: Where can the book be found?
Avery: On Amazon, of course. Idiot.
Interviewer: Thanks for your time, Avery. We hope to speak to you again soon.
Avery: Piss off…how about five bucks?
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